This has been some lame ass and crazy bullcrap with this
C.P. part #2, it has taken me almost two months to complete. I swear I’ve
attempted to save two separate drafts, and each one miraculously disappeared
into cyber “porn” space…..Bye Felicia! I was starting to feel a slight
conspiracy jumping off. While on this
earth quaking mission of continuous self evaluation I started to feel that the
sabotage was real and all the while it was being generated by yours truly. Diva
Me!! See…..after writing Cyber Porn# 1, some uncomfortable feelings started to
“bubble up”, resurfacing unresolved emotions that were just sitting on the back
burner seething. Truth being told I am grateful, and humbled to have made it to
the other side of the initial befuddling confusion and bullshit. No regrets. I
lived it; I enjoyed it, and I took from it some much appreciated life lessons. Some
fascinating and very fine men have passed thru my life via cyber porn, and many
remain close friends today. Yupp! I’m still registered on a few sites (don’t
hate the player, hate the game), but I’m not trying to take this crap too seriously.
I’m no longer looking for Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now or Mr. Cunnilingus. Don’t
judge me. It’s my truth. It is meant for entertainment purposes only. Right!? #nofilternobullshit.
**Side Rant: I just wanted you to fuck me, but then
I got greedy. I wanted you to love me.
In early 2009, after more than enough years of
playing head games, hearts or tails and trump this! Combined with the never-ending
coochie charade, I had settled into a comfort zone of sorts, and I was comfortable
and complacent in my bullshit. Mainly, because nothing ever leads in the direction I
envisioned; true love or some other reasonable facsimile. I was still dealing
with the blind and failed attempts at romance. However, the unsuspected happened over a simple meet and greet with the owner of that deep sexy voice from that frequented
chat line for thick sistahs. (Don’t nothing want a bone, but a dog), He was
married, and I knew it, and I didn’t give a damn (Throw it! I dare you! that
stone you bout to cast). Hell! I wanted to be wanted, and he wanted the catch
of the day. It started simple enough with movie dates, ice cream cones, and surprise
lunches to the little park up the hill from my job. Our affair became a
wild frenzy of mid-day sex-capades on a weekly basis; add in the occasional trips eastbound
to a hide-away love shack, and I joining him on short impromptu business
trips. The Per Diem was good too; The Marriot, The Hiltons, various suites over
looking golf courses, and a bunch of hot
nasty sex on private balconies. It always starts out pretty, doesn’t it? He had major
issues with being judged as a “Sugar Daddy”. Now, of course in the beginning he
would give me whatever I asked for, but as time progressed he settled into a "lunch money" mode...$40 Dollars!!Shit! I should have asked for more had I
known I’d become a twisted, caught up, caught under, nose wide open, and
miserable side-chick. I was totally in lust with another chicks dude
for almost 5 years. Insanity! Coming off the bench to play starting line-up on
another b*tches team! The time that I invested into that bullshit, was a part
of my journey, not my destination. I DO
NOT endorse, nor do I condone sleeping with a married man by any means, it is a
lonely, pathetic and heartbreaking existence, morally wrong, and just plain fucked up. I
won’t kiss and tell though; two wrongs do not a right make. After all, he is a
father, a grandfather, a friend, a prominent business man, with various
occupations, and historical accomplishments. If I did that he’d then realize
that I knew everything; including, but
not excluding his address, his wife’s name, his educational history, his job/career
history, and all his grown ass kid’s names, birth names, birth dates, and family
history……..Boom! Bam! Pow!
Diva O.U.T.
Cyber Porn #3 – I’ll be bringing you up to date on
my current situation, and asking you to also share your own on-line dating experiences. I Dare
You!!!
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