Cyber Porn #2

          This has been some lame ass and crazy bullcrap with this C.P. part #2, it has taken me almost two months to complete. I swear I’ve attempted to save two separate drafts, and each one miraculously disappeared into cyber “porn” space…..Bye Felicia! I was starting to feel a slight conspiracy jumping off.  While on this earth quaking mission of continuous self evaluation I started to feel that the sabotage was real and all the while it was being generated by yours truly. Diva Me!! See…..after writing Cyber Porn# 1, some uncomfortable feelings started to “bubble up”, resurfacing unresolved emotions that were just sitting on the back burner seething. Truth being told I am grateful, and humbled to have made it to the other side of the initial befuddling confusion and bullshit. No regrets. I lived it; I enjoyed it, and I took from it some much appreciated life lessons. Some fascinating and very fine men have passed thru my life via cyber porn, and many remain close friends today. Yupp! I’m still registered on a few sites (don’t hate the player, hate the game), but I’m not trying to take this crap too seriously. I’m no longer looking for Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now or Mr. Cunnilingus. Don’t judge me. It’s my truth. It is meant for entertainment purposes only. Right!?   #nofilternobullshit.  

**Side Rant: I just wanted you to fuck me, but then I got greedy. I wanted you to love me.

          In early 2009, after more than enough years of playing head games, hearts or tails and trump this! Combined with the never-ending coochie charade, I had settled into a comfort zone of sorts, and I was comfortable and complacent in my bullshit. Mainly, because nothing ever leads in the direction I envisioned; true love or some other reasonable facsimile. I was still dealing with the blind and failed attempts at romance. However, the unsuspected happened over a simple meet and greet with the owner of that deep sexy voice from that frequented chat line for thick sistahs. (Don’t nothing want a bone, but a dog), He was married, and I knew it, and I didn’t give a damn (Throw it! I dare you! that stone you bout to cast). Hell! I wanted to be wanted, and he wanted the catch of the day. It started simple enough with movie dates, ice cream cones, and surprise lunches to the little park up the hill from my job. Our affair became a wild frenzy of mid-day sex-capades on a weekly basis; add in the occasional trips eastbound to a hide-away love shack, and I joining him on short impromptu business trips. The Per Diem was good too; The Marriot, The Hiltons, various suites over looking golf courses, and a bunch of hot nasty sex on private balconies. It always starts out pretty, doesn’t it? He had major issues with being judged as a “Sugar Daddy”. Now, of course in the beginning he would give me whatever I asked for, but as time progressed he settled into a "lunch money" mode...$40 Dollars!!Shit! I should have asked for more had I known I’d become a twisted, caught up, caught under, nose wide open, and miserable side-chick. I was totally in lust with another chicks dude for almost 5 years. Insanity! Coming off the bench to play starting line-up on another b*tches team! The time that I invested into that bullshit, was a part of my journey, not my destination. I  DO NOT endorse, nor do I condone sleeping with a married man by any means, it is a lonely, pathetic and heartbreaking existence, morally wrong, and just plain fucked up. I won’t kiss and tell though; two wrongs do not a right make. After all, he is a father, a grandfather, a friend, a prominent business man, with various occupations, and historical accomplishments. If I did that he’d then realize that I knew everything;  including, but not excluding his address, his wife’s name, his educational history, his job/career history, and all his grown ass kid’s names, birth names, birth dates, and family history……..Boom! Bam! Pow!

Diva O.U.T.

Cyber Porn #3 – I’ll be bringing you up to date on my current situation, and asking you to also share your own on-line dating experiences. I Dare You!!!

A Book Review......Real Love II; The Story of an Extraordinary Woman...by Beverly Broadus-Green (Snoop Dogg's mother)

It is the similarities, both large and small that bring us together, and those “Extraordinary” things we share as women, as mothers, daughters, sisters and friends that bring us close. A true blessing occurs when an Extraordinary Woman shares the jewels, those diamonds that have formed in her life because of God’s alchemy. Evangelist Beverly Broadus Green is just that, an “Extraordinary Woman”   who chose to share those precious and private moments with us.  Yep! You already know Sistahfairydiva is going to keep it authentic, and genuine, the only way I know how to deliver this book review is #nofilternobullcrap. When approached by So West Coast to review the book Real Love II by Beverly Broadus-Green, I felt honored for the opportunity, and learn more about the beautiful assignment subject. I first met Beverly Broadus-Green on a Sunday at church services in Long Beach, Ca. She was still attending her childhood sanctuary; Golgotha Baptist Church. The congregation at Golgotha Baptist was friendly, and I have always been well received there. Miss Beverly from McComb, Mississippi was no different, when introduced she greeted me with kind words and a hug, and she was always the same whenever I visited. She sure knew how to rock those bad signature “church hats” too. So, you see how privileged I felt to share the “gems”  from this book that  have blessed my heart.  God takes all the pressures of “this and that”, and he compresses, and compounds them into lessons, blessings and growth.  Beverly Broadus –Green paints a picture of her own reality, making it crystal clear that she has not always been perfect, but through grace and mercy she has been saved.

She’s so much more than just Snoop’s mom, she’s a Diva. Tupac said it best, “Since we all came from a woman, Got our name from woman, and our game from a woman”…ijs. I encourage you to read the story of this Extraordinary woman, she's beautiful inside and out, Evangelist Beverly Broadus-Green who has overcome many obstacles, and humbly admits that when she accepted God into her life she was finally able to find, and experience……….…. Real love.

Humility is Strength......

Won’t He do it? God can/will show up and get your attention. No! He will demand your attention. Straight up! Lord, I have been STRETCHED. It’s been over a week since I lost my keys, and it has truly been a humbling experience. What’s the lesson in all this fuckery; I ain’t got a clue. But! There’s got to be a lesson in all this. Right?  Was it to teach me to be more careful and to pay closer attention to my surroundings (something I’m always stressing to my sons) or maybe I needed to change something? God in all his majesty don’t allow things to just happen. Trust me! Every follicle on your scalp stuff is for real. This humbling adventure has touched me in some precarious ways; financially (car key almost $400), physically- I have been catching the bus (certainly no problem there), working this chunky body, and getting some much needed exercise, emotionally; stressing and fretting . That drains my energy and messes with my faith. I don’t like to operate in fear/ doubt.  Spiritually! I’ve been having some seriously deep conversations with God, and Self.  I get emotional when I think of the goodness of Jesus. I talk with God on a daily basis, a simple “Thank you Jesus” or one of those outta body surreal soul searching talking out loud Holy Ghost conversations. This travesty of this conundrum has increased my territory. I swear my faith territory has become epic. Fearless Faith. I am reminded everyday that I am God’s child; with/ through Him I have slain and defeated much larger giants. Hello! Drug Addiction. I am a Survivor. I am a walking testimony. A miracle manifested through God’s love. More than Most things, I’m grateful to be able to go through this knowing it’s already alright. Humility has allowed me to revisit the miracles and promises of God. Real talk. No bullcrap.

Cyber Porn #1

Yupp!

 I have been actively participating in multiple online dating sites- “Cyber Porn” for almost a decade. Thirsty! That sounds like fucking dehydration, but most times it was my only oasis in a lonely desert of desperation.  Don’t judge me! It’s my truth.

These experiences sprout a long list of What If’s (he is HIM)?, WTHell’s?, and the occasional WTF*ck’s? This hodgepodge of kooky characters ranged from any assortment of Caucasian, Afro American, Hispanic, Hindi, Asian, Muslim, Catholic, Buddhist, Baptist, and handicapped (a fact held in secret until the initial meeting…Wth!) , and all unknown or known combinations in between. Every male species regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation is on the prowl, and in search of true love/sex, and any other reasonable facsimile.

**Side Rant: Why! Do these old ass Negroes got these young children. Damn near 60years old, and got babies in elementary school. ijs…

I believed that my Cyber Porn “participation” would not be any different or any stranger than the next Divas. Yes??

***Side rant:  “Just like the last b*tch, I’ll get you anything you ask for”- Tupac.

When you keep doing the same bullsh*t over and over again, expecting altered/different results….Then you’re either crazy or stupid, perhaps maybe or certainly both?  I have slept with some of them, and I have accepted money from others. I ‘m not proud of it, but….. Yeah, you’re going to have process that part for yourself, I already did.

I was a “serial dater”, looking for my next fix. That fucked up addictive personality was alive and engaging. I was dating for my own ulterior motives e.g. Dinner @ nice restaurant, maybe bored/ broke and or in need of some companionship, money or sex. Don’t judge me! It’s my truth.

**Side rant:Catfish- someone who pretends to be someone they're not, using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

My roguish misconduct on Cyber Porn networks left me feeling unworthy, and continued to sink my self-esteem lower than I’d thought possible. You get the picture?  I had exchanged one bullsh*t addiction for different one. It was like spiraling out of control in some type of carnal “addiction”, and using lust as my feel good option. Not Cool. Not smart. Not Healthy. Don’t judge me? It’s my truth.

Diva O.U.T