Humility is Strength......

Won’t He do it? God can/will show up and get your attention. No! He will demand your attention. Straight up! Lord, I have been STRETCHED. It’s been over a week since I lost my keys, and it has truly been a humbling experience. What’s the lesson in all this fuckery; I ain’t got a clue. But! There’s got to be a lesson in all this. Right?  Was it to teach me to be more careful and to pay closer attention to my surroundings (something I’m always stressing to my sons) or maybe I needed to change something? God in all his majesty don’t allow things to just happen. Trust me! Every follicle on your scalp stuff is for real. This humbling adventure has touched me in some precarious ways; financially (car key almost $400), physically- I have been catching the bus (certainly no problem there), working this chunky body, and getting some much needed exercise, emotionally; stressing and fretting . That drains my energy and messes with my faith. I don’t like to operate in fear/ doubt.  Spiritually! I’ve been having some seriously deep conversations with God, and Self.  I get emotional when I think of the goodness of Jesus. I talk with God on a daily basis, a simple “Thank you Jesus” or one of those outta body surreal soul searching talking out loud Holy Ghost conversations. This travesty of this conundrum has increased my territory. I swear my faith territory has become epic. Fearless Faith. I am reminded everyday that I am God’s child; with/ through Him I have slain and defeated much larger giants. Hello! Drug Addiction. I am a Survivor. I am a walking testimony. A miracle manifested through God’s love. More than Most things, I’m grateful to be able to go through this knowing it’s already alright. Humility has allowed me to revisit the miracles and promises of God. Real talk. No bullcrap.

Cyber Porn #1

Yupp!

 I have been actively participating in multiple online dating sites- “Cyber Porn” for almost a decade. Thirsty! That sounds like fucking dehydration, but most times it was my only oasis in a lonely desert of desperation.  Don’t judge me! It’s my truth.

These experiences sprout a long list of What If’s (he is HIM)?, WTHell’s?, and the occasional WTF*ck’s? This hodgepodge of kooky characters ranged from any assortment of Caucasian, Afro American, Hispanic, Hindi, Asian, Muslim, Catholic, Buddhist, Baptist, and handicapped (a fact held in secret until the initial meeting…Wth!) , and all unknown or known combinations in between. Every male species regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation is on the prowl, and in search of true love/sex, and any other reasonable facsimile.

**Side Rant: Why! Do these old ass Negroes got these young children. Damn near 60years old, and got babies in elementary school. ijs…

I believed that my Cyber Porn “participation” would not be any different or any stranger than the next Divas. Yes??

***Side rant:  “Just like the last b*tch, I’ll get you anything you ask for”- Tupac.

When you keep doing the same bullsh*t over and over again, expecting altered/different results….Then you’re either crazy or stupid, perhaps maybe or certainly both?  I have slept with some of them, and I have accepted money from others. I ‘m not proud of it, but….. Yeah, you’re going to have process that part for yourself, I already did.

I was a “serial dater”, looking for my next fix. That fucked up addictive personality was alive and engaging. I was dating for my own ulterior motives e.g. Dinner @ nice restaurant, maybe bored/ broke and or in need of some companionship, money or sex. Don’t judge me! It’s my truth.

**Side rant:Catfish- someone who pretends to be someone they're not, using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

My roguish misconduct on Cyber Porn networks left me feeling unworthy, and continued to sink my self-esteem lower than I’d thought possible. You get the picture?  I had exchanged one bullsh*t addiction for different one. It was like spiraling out of control in some type of carnal “addiction”, and using lust as my feel good option. Not Cool. Not smart. Not Healthy. Don’t judge me? It’s my truth.

Diva O.U.T

No Filter. No Bullsh*t.

I’m still here…… 

Things have certainly changed in my small Universe since I last dipped down this way. It’s been well over a year since my last mediocre post, dated January 2013. It’s sad to say, it was just page filler. What I originally envisioned for Love, Life & Bullsh*t was a safe place where a Sistah could express herself, and “release” without judgment. That was the one justification that I allowed myself. most things where kept under wraps. No! I’m not about do a “tell-all” ……. well not yet anyway, some “truths” aren’t ready. My touching on a few personal issues and merely scratching the surface didn’t help me that mess was festering. It made me comfortable and complacent with sifting my feelings…. So I wrote “pretty”.  What’s that Beyonce’ sang about “Pretty hurts-It’s the Soul that needs the surgery”, and by suppressing that internal bullsh*t I was keeping my spirit in critical condition. My soul was in the I.C.U. The shit got real for me, and I had to admit my fears, doubts, hopes, dreams, hang ups and hook ups. I know it just ain’t me either; we all got jewels we need to share. I was hurting inside. Once I returned to past post memories, and realized how “Shallow Hal” they all seemed (I found them to be "cute, but not as fine as me”), and knew it was the right time for a make-over.  My hiatus was self imposed due to my chronic procrastination and the apparent vicious cycle of bullsh*t. Procrastination; a nasty, and ornery recurring habit that kept me locked in an alibi. “I’ll do it later”.  Simply put; it’s time to talk about some of that stuff that makes me say "Damn". I would hope to think I have evolved; I pray more, I think more critically-discerning, I plan more-not better, but more. I still got to get that shit together, I doubt less, and yet I am enough. I always have this feeling of anticipation. What am I waiting for? That’s that Bullsh*t! Let me clarify some “potent” stuff………I am writing for me, for us. Some people may be offended by language and content. Some people will assume I am referring to them, if so I will call your name. Some people will judge, and feel the need to reprimand, some people may never join in on a discussion, but sit back and absorb, Welcome. There is going be a little sum sum for every Diva present; nasty, educational, erotic, sexual, praying, praising, sharing, caring giving, taking, lessons taught, lessons given.…….. No Filter. No Bullshit. Fyi- I ain’t gonna be writing long post all the time. It might just say Help! *** Diva O.U.T.